I spend a lot of time asking questions. I ask questions to get information. When I get information, I apply it to what I know in my job. It happens, during a consultation, that I am told their ex to be is a narcissist, emotionally unavailable, cheated, does nothing, doesn’t know how to parent, spends too much money, is lazy, and the list goes on. I hear all sorts of things about how bad their ex to be is, who happens to be the same person my consult chose to marry! Even with my arranged marriages I hear how horrible the person is, as if the family screwed up that bad in picking a spouse for their own child. What parent would do that?

I get it, there’s a few exceptions, with desperate parents, or off shoot spouses that just plain turn or were “bad,” but generally, or I should say mostly, the more you focus on how bad the person you married is, the higher the chance you have lost sight of your own shortcomings or lack of understanding how to be married. Yep, I said it, you are not perfect. You might be uneducated when it comes to being married. The great part for me during a consultation is that I ask more questions and learn your blind spots (see that blog). Yes, you have areas that I am going to call out. Why? Because as your attorney I need to confront your imperfections and deal with them.

I might learn that you are short tempered, that your spouse is really good with schedule, that you have the money you have because your spouse worked so hard for the family and your expectations emotionally were unrealistic, that your family is really really busy which is hard for anyone including your spouse, that you can be really mean, that you are not a perfect parent, that you are terribly unorganized, that you have trouble confronting issues, that you can’t manage money, that you have lost sight of how great your spouse is, and the list goes on.

The good news is that assuming we trust each other and get along, I will remain on your side. I won’t lie for you. I will give you advice you don’t want to hear but need to hear. Yes, I will speak up because I am on your side, and I want to salvage your money and kids because don’t forget: you asked me to do that for you. I might even be able to salvage your marriage. If you can handle me telling you areas to work on and you choose to confront that, you’ll learn even more deeply how much I am on your side while improving your own life.

Going through a divorce is really hard, even if it’s ‘amicable.’ But just like other new endeavors that you go through, sometimes what you want to hear is not what is best for you or best for your divorce. There’s hard work involved in getting through a divorce, and self-reflection is one of them. You’ll be better for it, and, hopefully you’ll learn it’s ok that your ex isn’t totally horrible.